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I'm at my wit's end.

I don't know if everything that's happened lately is satanic attacks or lessons in humility/contentment from the Father. Either way, I don't know how we can survive this much longer.

 In June, we moved from Kyle to San Marcos and into a 3 bedroom single wide trailer. I guess neither me or my siblings and for that matter my parents knew the severity of our financial situation.

I praise God for all that He's given us, and I earnestly try to praise Him for all that He's taken away but right now I''m just so overwhelmed. And if I'm feeling like this, I can't even imagine how my parents feel. Mom, Jay and I are all having to apply for jobs. Jay and I more for being able to pay for ourselves and saving up for things, but also to help out.

This is going to be so difficult for Mom to do while Morgynn and I are still being homeschooled, and I think the plan is for her to work nights. How is she ever going to sleep?

On top of this, my 18th birthday is fast approaching and I may not be able to have a party at all. But at this point I would settle for my best friends just coming over to hang out. My car's registration and inspection are almost up and there's no way the inspection will pass with my car being half gone. I have to replace the bumper and a few other things, which will be around 300 dollars. And then today, my phone died, possibly for good though I'm planning an exorcism, and we have no way of replacing it.

I don't see a way of me getting to Honduras this year which is where my heart so fervently longs to be.

I know that all of these things don't really matter in the scheme of every suffering person in the world, that there are children dying of hunger and women being trafficked and Christian brothers and sisters being brutally murdered. But it's getting more and more difficult for me to inhale and exhale every day. I can't focus on school or in dance or life in general because of the overwhelming amount of stress put on me and my family.

I am pleading for cries to the Father, Family. Please pray for us. Not for financial security but for us to be willing to do whatever He wants of us. For us to recklessly abandon and surrender our lives to Him. For the peace that only comes from the Love of our God poured out on us. Pray for us, Beautiful Family.

Let The Waters Rise

I have no idea where my heart is...I've been sitting at my laptop for an hour and a half trying to write a paper on defamation that's due tomorrow and I cant. My focus on anything is gone and all I can do is repeatedly blast my Hillsong Pandora station. As the year slowly creeps toward October and I go longer and longer without putting metal blade to weakened flesh, Satan's attacks just get worse and worse. I guess all I can do is ask for prayer. Pray as hard as you can that my rebellious and proud and stubborn heart won't turn away from the light again. That I can get over October 10th being some "special" date. I'm tired of feeling wrecked and broken. This song came on earlier, this is exactly where my heart is. (I apologize if it turns weird colors, I copied and pasted)

Don't know where to begin, it's like my world's cavin' in
And I try but I can't control my fear, where do I go from here?
Sometimes it's so hard to pray when You feel so far away
But I am willin' to go where You want me to and God I trust You

There's a ragin' sea right in front of me
Wants to pull me in, bring me to my knees
So let the waters rise if You want them to
I will follow You, I will follow You, I will follow You

I will swim in the deep 'cause You'll be next to me
You're in the eye of the storm and the calm of the sea
You're never out of reach
God, You know where I've been and You were there with me then
You were faithful before, You'll be faithful again, I'm holdin' Your hand

There's a ragin' sea right in front of me
Wants to pull me in, bring me to my knees
So let the waters rise if You want them to
I will follow You, I will follow You, I will follow You

God Your love is enough, You will pull me through, I'm holdin' onto You
God Your love is enough, I will follow You, I will follow You

There's a ragin' sea right in front of me
Wants to pull me in, bring me to my knees
So let the waters rise if You want them to
I will follow You, I will follow You, I will follow You 

I wrote this a few weeks ago and intended not to post it. But today I decided I should. This is where I'm at right now and this is what I need prayer for. No more hiding. 

Please don't misunderstand this, I am walking in The Light and I'm secure in my identity that no longer remains in this. I'm no longer a Survivor of Sexual Assault/Abuse. I am a Child of God (and of The Light) that survived sexual assault. And even though this year hasn't been as difficult for me as last year, it is still very very VERY hard. 

The case against my attacker was closed and filed last Friday. No trial, no conviction. Though I know that I did my part and I know that God is in control and that His will's been done in this, I don't really know how I feel about it. I pray that God showers me in His overwhelming peace again. 

Like this song says, the waters have risen all around me, but I trust in an overprotective and loving Father who will never fail me. So if it's in His plan for me to be in raging storms, so be it. His ways are higher than my ways and His thoughts higher than my thoughts. Let your perfect plan play out, Lover. 

Overcoming broken leaps and worldly frustrations

I love those little moments in life when your entire being is freaking out and hating the world and God shows up. One of said little moments happened just a little while ago. Ever since I got my beautiful ghetto car, I haven't listened to music quietly (meaning: driving down I-35 or 1626 or 967 I blast that stereo till my ears feel like bleeding), especially when I feel like skinning myself with a rusty screw driver because I'm so frustrated with everything around me.
 Driving home from an exhausting dance practice tired, hot, sweaty, covered in dirt, frustrated and feeling like crying, no one should doubt that I blasted my stereo so loud you could see the speakers moving. The first SMACC Varsity Panthers game that we're preforming at is this Friday, and before today, we had two practices left and a butt load of work to do.
 It seemed that every time we got anywhere, something went wrong; one step forward, three leaps back. First, we had to move practice to the dirt-covered football field behind Gregg Clarke Park in Kyle because the Wallace Football field- where we normally practice- was being occupied by their football team (and I still don't understand why we couldn't just kick them off, at least three of the girls on our team could kick some middle school boy butt, this may or may not include me). And I don't just mean dirt-covered, I'm talking at least three inches thick of just gross, muddy grayish dirt. We managed to practice with dirt flying in our eyes, no problem. Then, the glorious ball of gas and fire in outer space that we call the sun decides to make fun of us and laugh and stare, so yeah, IT WAS HOT. So then we decided to take a break in the shade by the concession stand to the softball fields. Then Miss Becky says, "Let's practice the kick dance!", which roughly translates to "Let's move in a way that feels like kicking through day-old jello!" And then everyone got headaches, so we moved under the pavilion to finish practice. And, of course, my entire body feels like mush, I'm pretty sure I looked like a scarecrow trying to practice a jazz dance, arms and legs flailing with no real direction (darn my wimpy girl muscles). Then I find out I was picked to lead stand routines for the first game, which is really awesome, but that also means I have to remember all of them. Needless to say, this was more than likely the worst Angelettes practice ever and I was in no way a "happy camper" getting into my car at 5:54 this evening.
 So, feeling like screaming and kicking and just throwing a down right, good old fashioned, 3 year old tantrum, I made my way back home. Passing Yarrington and complaining to God about why He has me where I am and what's wrong with the decisions He's made (yeah, 'cause that's the smart thing to do), Casting Crown's" Praise You In This Storm" comes on through my stereo. Okay God, I see what you're trying to do here, I'l play along. After belting the song at the top of my lungs, so loud my vocal chords felt like ripping apart and my soul feeling a little better, I pull into Saddlebrooke...and start complaining again. And then "Overcomer" by Mandisa (whom I do not prefer to listen to) comes on.

                                                    "You're an overcomer
                                             Stay in the fight till the final round
                                                    You're not goin' under
                                           'Cause God is holding you right now
                                            You might be down for a moment
                                                  Feelin' like it's hopeless
                                              That's when He reminds you
                                              That you're an overcomer!"

And God amazes me, yet again, of how all-knowing and all-loving He really is. He knows me! I mean, He actually KNOWS ME. And He always knows what my heart needs to hear, be comforted by, and reminded of. He constantly says "Ashleigh, I'm RIGHT HERE. Quit trying to do things on your own power, quit thinking that you actually have control over anything in your life, realize the depths and heights and widths and lengths of my love for you and REST IN THAT."
 So, if you're ever (and I'm sure you're like this some times) insanely frustrated or beaten down by the world, remember that you, "can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" (Philippians 4:9) and "In all things, we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us." (Romans 8:37)

Our beautiful Father, thank you for the overwhelming comforts and peace you speak into us day in and day out that we in no way deserve, yet you so unconditionally give. I pray that we would learn to walk in your unfailing love, casting away the anxieties of the world and the stubborn desires of our flesh. Father, humble us before you, open our hearts to trust you and our eyes to see that everything you are is good and love and joy and peace and hope. Search me and know my heart, Lover. Test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and Lord Jesus, lead me in the way of the everlasting.

What can man do to you?

There have been times in my life when writing was just too hard to do. In those times, I feel like my thoughts can't be put into words well enough and I often become very discouraged and frustrated with the words that I pour onto pages. This is one of those times. I decided last week that I wasn't going to continue on with this blog because it was detrimental to my ability to write "good" poetry. And yesterday I realized how stupid that actually is. Jesus gave me a gift with words and I intend to use that gift to glorify him in any and every way possible. So, without further ado and no matter my opinion on how well it's written, I give you my next blog post:

 We watched this movie a couple of days ago called: "Six: The Mark Unleashed". It's set in the end-times, when the earth has been taken over by an evil dictator (which you can all guess is the anti-christ), and the mark of the Beast is being forced on everyone worldwide. Those who take the mark become members of "The Community" and those that refuse it are taken to prison and executed three weeks later. The prisons mainly consist of Christians (duh!) and this is where most of the non-christian prisoners accept Jesus. The police force in the movie are there to track down and implant "fugitives and radicals" (people who've refused the implant and ran), and those that are captured and continue to refuse are then tortured until they accept the implant or die. In one scene, the man torturing the main character tells him that he's much more fun because all of the "radicals" don't do anything but scream out the name of Jesus or say "I forgive you" for torturing them...

Needless to say, the movie sparked questions in me about myself. Would I refuse the implant, knowing that I would be thrown in prison and executed? Would I continue to refuse it if they tortured me? How big IS my fear of man? Am I THAT sure of Jesus and His Love for me? Am I THAT in love with Christ? Is my faith in my savior that secure?

You all know, or at least you should know, about the persecution of Christians in the Middle East and Isis killing them. And after thousands of murders, our Brothers and Sisters continue to say "I believe in a God that is far greater than anything this world can do to me". There are christian children being beheaded and they continue to say "Yes Jesus! You are better!" And I am amazed at the faith and assurance of the persecuted church. And when I'm not praying for them, I wonder if I would continue to walk in the assurance of Jesus after being witness to that.

We've all been asked the question: If a gunman ran in here right now and told you he would shoot everyone that proclaimed Christianity, would you tell him that you were in Love with Jesus? And we all say, "Yes! Of course!". But would we really? How many of us are too in love with the life that God's blessed us with or would be too afraid when met with extreme persecution to continue to profess the name of Jesus?

We have a God who is with us always and will never leave us! We have a God that protects us under all circumstances and Loves us no matter what. We have an assurance of salvation and a place in Heaven that our Father has prepared for us before the beginning of time. We have a God that is far better than anything of this world, and we have a God that can overcome anything this world can do to us. How radical is our trust and faith in an unwavering, all-powerful, all-loving God? How great is our Love for the Creator who sent His son to die for us? How much do we allow the Love of God to overcome our fear of the World?

Hebrews 13:5-6 : "Let your conversation be without covetousness; and be content with such things as you have: for He has said, I will never leave you, nor forsake you. So we can confidently say, "The Lord is my helper; I will not fear; what can man do to me?"

Isaiah 40

I was so blown away by Pastor Johnathan's sermon this morning, and the volumes God was speaking to my ever stubborn, breaking heart, that I decided that is what I'd write about today. So, bear with me, Lovely Readers, as I attempt to write yet again. My Jesus hasn't completely given back my writing capacities. 

As I was sitting in my pew, next to my beautiful sister and brother in Christ, reading along to Isaiah 40 and soaking in all that God was and is and continually will be, my heart was shuddering. How many times have I placed my Creator in a box so small? How many times have I used Him as a crutch? How many times have I only come to Him when I am in need of something? How many times have I put a limit on the things the Creator of the ability to be limited could do? What percentage of my life is ACTUALLY about God? What if, instead of my prayer life being about me, my prayer life was about praising and thanking The Father for all that He is?

How much more would our faith be if our lives focused on the glories of God?

All summer, I have been utterly blown away by the glories and beauties of God's creation, and they are NOTHING compared to who God is, and the glories and beauties of The Father. Isaiah 40:12 says "Who has measured the waters in the hollow of his hand and marked off the heavens with a span, enclosed the dust of the earth in a measure and weighed the mountains in scales and the hills in a balance?" And I sit here reveling in the Creation that God formed IN HIS HANDS. We are nothing compared to our Creator. And we tell God about what we "know", thinking that we can prove Him, the creator of every molecule in the universe, wrong.

God is all-knowing. Stop telling Him what you think you know and start listening to what He has in store for your life! If you think He doesn't know what's absolutely best for your life (I have DEFINITELY thought that), or that He can't protect you from someone or something (again, I'm your girl) here on Earth, remember what Isaiah 40:22-23 says, "It is he who sits above the circle of the earth, and its inhabitants are like grasshoppers; who stretches out the heavens like a curtain, and spreads them like a tent to dwell in; who brings princes to nothing, and makes the rulers of the earth as emptiness." Do you hear that? He brings princes to NOTHING and makes the rulers of the earth as EMPTINESS. Who is like our God that even the powers of this world are LESS THAN NOTHING?? 

He is all powerful. He provides us every strength we require and then some. Why do I constantly try to do things on my own power? Do we not know that He is the only source of strength and that without Him we are weaker than blades of grass? I mean, really. Shouldn't that be blatantly obvious? That without God we can do nothing? You'd think we'd get it after trying to do things on our own over and over and failing every time. But humanity is such a prideful species. We always have to prove each other wrong and flaunt our (God given) abilities. 

The Father is everywhere. You can't hide from Him, and you cannot be too far for Him to reach you. Pastor Johnathan told this story this morning about a sermon he heard, and in it, the pastor was telling the story of Elijah and how when he ran from Jezebel up into a cave in the mountains, God whispered to Him, "What are you doing here, Elijah?". God WHISPERED to Elijah. The pastor asked the church, "Why do you think God whispered to Elijah? Maybe because He was that near to Him." God is NEVER far from us, Beautiful Readers! And very often, He's so close that He has to whisper, and we don't hear Him because we're so distracted by the thought of being too far from Him or screaming at Him to talk to us. Be quiet, realize that He is right next to you, be comforted and just listen.

He is everlasting. Everything that is our God is everlasting. He was and is and continually will be. 

We spend so much time distracting ourselves. Thinking that we have to do certain things and pray certain ways and experience all these things for God to Love us or for us to be deserving of His favor. Here's the thing: We deserve nothing that He's done for or gives to us. He loves us and favors us because He CAN and He WANTS to. Praise and thank God for all that He is and does and will do. Stop trying to do things on your own, and just rely on Him! Stop worrying and wait for The Lord. You are in control of nothing and He is in control of every single cell of the entirety of existence. 

Isaiah 40:31 "but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength;
    they shall mount up with wings like eagles;
they shall run and not be weary;
    they shall walk and not faint."

Loss For Words

I haven't posted anything in almost a week and for that I apologize. However, camping in a place with no data connection and very poor service provides a very good excuse for that, in my opinion. So, without further ado, Dear Readers, I give you the thoughts in my head.

I've spent the past few days just reveling in all that God is. There is no way to deny the almighty power and glory of our God when you are surrounded by the beauty that is His creation at Garner State Park.

Journaling has always been something that I come by very easily. I've poured my thoughts out of inked pens and onto hundreds of pages of journals since I could write. Needless to say, writing is one of my strengths and an ever present outlet of mine. So imagine my giant frustration when, for the past four days, as I lay on my cot in complete silence, pen ready to release thoughts on to white pages, absolutely nothing came out of the mind I so very often find myself trapped in. I am at an outright loss for words to explain the glories of Himself my Lover has been revealing to me yet again. Anyone who knows me knows that this is a very rare thing for me. (I am my mother's daughter after all)

My heart has been in complete and utter chaos for almost four years now, and really even before then. I've gotten used to my mind going a trillion miles an hour every second of my teenage life. That is my normal. That is why my God continues and continues to amaze me. Since getting back from Fuge Tennessee, there has been nothing in my mind but the overwhelming Love of a God I could never deserve. Utter silence. Complete and total Peace has taken my heart and mind captive. I sincerely hope and pray I can never escape from their hold.

If I could do so with words, I would express to you the work that The Father is doing in my heart even as I type this. My God is so much more than any worn out word could every try to explain. My Jesus is so much more than I ever imagined He could be, even when I was so full of Him that after saying "Yes, I believe that Jesus is the Ruler of my heart and fully commit myself to Him." and lowered into that river, I was brought up as a new creation, born of the Love of my beautiful Father.

Readers, I am at a complete loss of words. I have so much inside of me that I wish I could convey on paper or with words that have been worn out from billions of people in hundreds of languages, but for some reason, the Father has taken my ability to do that away for now. He continues to remind me that He cannot be understood. I encourage you to revel in the Father today. Drop everything you're doing, right now, fall on your knees and worship Him. Cry out to Him. He longs for you to surrender your heart to Him.

Enough With Selfish Love

I wrote this a few months ago, and I was reading over it and something told me to put it on here. So, if you're reading this five seconds after I post it, or two years down the road, I hope God speaks to you through this in some way.

The Word tells us to love Christ as a bride would love her new husband. The way she is captivated and enraptured by her husband is OVERWHELMING. Each and every one of her words flows from thoughts of her husband and there is no room to think for even a millisecond that her passion is placed in anything or anyone but him. THAT IS HOW WE ARE SUPPOSED TO BE, CHURCH! And we waste our passion on creatures and objects of this world that captivates us, infatuates us to a point of consumption so suffocating, that the crisp, clear air that our Lover created from himself, FOR US, is black soot from the scorched chimneys of our hearts.

Church, we have emotions. True. Emotions so powerful they rip us open sometimes, how amazing is that? Our Father created our beings full of emotion to glorify and admire and praise and love Him, and love others. And he gives us the freedom to use our emotions! BUT WHY DO WE GO WHORING AROUND WITH THEM? Chasing after creatures who take advantage of and use us for their own personal gain, subconscious or not? Why do we throw our emotions into the polluted atmosphere hoping, sometimes even PRAYING, they would be caught by some stranger who could never love us like our Lover does, and has, and will forever?

Brothers and sisters! When will we learn that our God is all-loving, and that His love is fully unconditional and all consuming, completely perfect, NEVER ENDING? Our God is a mighty fortress full of Love and peace and protection from the very world we throw ourselves at. Our Lover IS LOVE. Get that through your heads! When you think that after what you've done or what you've said or what’s been done to you, that no one could ever love you, Jesus is there! And His steadfast Love endures forever. 

Why do we go about aimlessly searching for a Love that is so freely given to us, and that we will never find in anyone but that one who created such a Love?? Church! WHY DO WE RUN AND SEARCH AFTER SOMETHING THAT CAN’T BE CONTAINED INSIDE HUMAN FLESH? Are we that foolish? To seek out something we know can’t be felt through human touch. We’re told time and time again that we can not find it here! But we shuffle around like mindless drones, lead by our human desires for physical everything to discover for ourselves that what our Creator tells us is true, only to be hurt in the process. How foolish are we, Church?? To know in our spirit that Jesus is the only being pure, selfless, unconditional love can be found in, yet every inch of our flesh makes our eyes turn from him and our feet roam about the earth in search of a physical, tarnished, selfish love.

How foolish can fools be that we would ignore our Lover who constantly pursues us? That we would chase after selfish Love? 
Run back to the Father, Church. Be consumed by His Love.

Mark 12:30 "And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind, and with all your strength."