Isaiah 40

I was so blown away by Pastor Johnathan's sermon this morning, and the volumes God was speaking to my ever stubborn, breaking heart, that I decided that is what I'd write about today. So, bear with me, Lovely Readers, as I attempt to write yet again. My Jesus hasn't completely given back my writing capacities. 

As I was sitting in my pew, next to my beautiful sister and brother in Christ, reading along to Isaiah 40 and soaking in all that God was and is and continually will be, my heart was shuddering. How many times have I placed my Creator in a box so small? How many times have I used Him as a crutch? How many times have I only come to Him when I am in need of something? How many times have I put a limit on the things the Creator of the ability to be limited could do? What percentage of my life is ACTUALLY about God? What if, instead of my prayer life being about me, my prayer life was about praising and thanking The Father for all that He is?

How much more would our faith be if our lives focused on the glories of God?

All summer, I have been utterly blown away by the glories and beauties of God's creation, and they are NOTHING compared to who God is, and the glories and beauties of The Father. Isaiah 40:12 says "Who has measured the waters in the hollow of his hand and marked off the heavens with a span, enclosed the dust of the earth in a measure and weighed the mountains in scales and the hills in a balance?" And I sit here reveling in the Creation that God formed IN HIS HANDS. We are nothing compared to our Creator. And we tell God about what we "know", thinking that we can prove Him, the creator of every molecule in the universe, wrong.

God is all-knowing. Stop telling Him what you think you know and start listening to what He has in store for your life! If you think He doesn't know what's absolutely best for your life (I have DEFINITELY thought that), or that He can't protect you from someone or something (again, I'm your girl) here on Earth, remember what Isaiah 40:22-23 says, "It is he who sits above the circle of the earth, and its inhabitants are like grasshoppers; who stretches out the heavens like a curtain, and spreads them like a tent to dwell in; who brings princes to nothing, and makes the rulers of the earth as emptiness." Do you hear that? He brings princes to NOTHING and makes the rulers of the earth as EMPTINESS. Who is like our God that even the powers of this world are LESS THAN NOTHING?? 

He is all powerful. He provides us every strength we require and then some. Why do I constantly try to do things on my own power? Do we not know that He is the only source of strength and that without Him we are weaker than blades of grass? I mean, really. Shouldn't that be blatantly obvious? That without God we can do nothing? You'd think we'd get it after trying to do things on our own over and over and failing every time. But humanity is such a prideful species. We always have to prove each other wrong and flaunt our (God given) abilities. 

The Father is everywhere. You can't hide from Him, and you cannot be too far for Him to reach you. Pastor Johnathan told this story this morning about a sermon he heard, and in it, the pastor was telling the story of Elijah and how when he ran from Jezebel up into a cave in the mountains, God whispered to Him, "What are you doing here, Elijah?". God WHISPERED to Elijah. The pastor asked the church, "Why do you think God whispered to Elijah? Maybe because He was that near to Him." God is NEVER far from us, Beautiful Readers! And very often, He's so close that He has to whisper, and we don't hear Him because we're so distracted by the thought of being too far from Him or screaming at Him to talk to us. Be quiet, realize that He is right next to you, be comforted and just listen.

He is everlasting. Everything that is our God is everlasting. He was and is and continually will be. 

We spend so much time distracting ourselves. Thinking that we have to do certain things and pray certain ways and experience all these things for God to Love us or for us to be deserving of His favor. Here's the thing: We deserve nothing that He's done for or gives to us. He loves us and favors us because He CAN and He WANTS to. Praise and thank God for all that He is and does and will do. Stop trying to do things on your own, and just rely on Him! Stop worrying and wait for The Lord. You are in control of nothing and He is in control of every single cell of the entirety of existence. 

Isaiah 40:31 "but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength;
    they shall mount up with wings like eagles;
they shall run and not be weary;
    they shall walk and not faint."

Loss For Words

I haven't posted anything in almost a week and for that I apologize. However, camping in a place with no data connection and very poor service provides a very good excuse for that, in my opinion. So, without further ado, Dear Readers, I give you the thoughts in my head.

I've spent the past few days just reveling in all that God is. There is no way to deny the almighty power and glory of our God when you are surrounded by the beauty that is His creation at Garner State Park.

Journaling has always been something that I come by very easily. I've poured my thoughts out of inked pens and onto hundreds of pages of journals since I could write. Needless to say, writing is one of my strengths and an ever present outlet of mine. So imagine my giant frustration when, for the past four days, as I lay on my cot in complete silence, pen ready to release thoughts on to white pages, absolutely nothing came out of the mind I so very often find myself trapped in. I am at an outright loss for words to explain the glories of Himself my Lover has been revealing to me yet again. Anyone who knows me knows that this is a very rare thing for me. (I am my mother's daughter after all)

My heart has been in complete and utter chaos for almost four years now, and really even before then. I've gotten used to my mind going a trillion miles an hour every second of my teenage life. That is my normal. That is why my God continues and continues to amaze me. Since getting back from Fuge Tennessee, there has been nothing in my mind but the overwhelming Love of a God I could never deserve. Utter silence. Complete and total Peace has taken my heart and mind captive. I sincerely hope and pray I can never escape from their hold.

If I could do so with words, I would express to you the work that The Father is doing in my heart even as I type this. My God is so much more than any worn out word could every try to explain. My Jesus is so much more than I ever imagined He could be, even when I was so full of Him that after saying "Yes, I believe that Jesus is the Ruler of my heart and fully commit myself to Him." and lowered into that river, I was brought up as a new creation, born of the Love of my beautiful Father.

Readers, I am at a complete loss of words. I have so much inside of me that I wish I could convey on paper or with words that have been worn out from billions of people in hundreds of languages, but for some reason, the Father has taken my ability to do that away for now. He continues to remind me that He cannot be understood. I encourage you to revel in the Father today. Drop everything you're doing, right now, fall on your knees and worship Him. Cry out to Him. He longs for you to surrender your heart to Him.

Enough With Selfish Love

I wrote this a few months ago, and I was reading over it and something told me to put it on here. So, if you're reading this five seconds after I post it, or two years down the road, I hope God speaks to you through this in some way.

The Word tells us to love Christ as a bride would love her new husband. The way she is captivated and enraptured by her husband is OVERWHELMING. Each and every one of her words flows from thoughts of her husband and there is no room to think for even a millisecond that her passion is placed in anything or anyone but him. THAT IS HOW WE ARE SUPPOSED TO BE, CHURCH! And we waste our passion on creatures and objects of this world that captivates us, infatuates us to a point of consumption so suffocating, that the crisp, clear air that our Lover created from himself, FOR US, is black soot from the scorched chimneys of our hearts.

Church, we have emotions. True. Emotions so powerful they rip us open sometimes, how amazing is that? Our Father created our beings full of emotion to glorify and admire and praise and love Him, and love others. And he gives us the freedom to use our emotions! BUT WHY DO WE GO WHORING AROUND WITH THEM? Chasing after creatures who take advantage of and use us for their own personal gain, subconscious or not? Why do we throw our emotions into the polluted atmosphere hoping, sometimes even PRAYING, they would be caught by some stranger who could never love us like our Lover does, and has, and will forever?

Brothers and sisters! When will we learn that our God is all-loving, and that His love is fully unconditional and all consuming, completely perfect, NEVER ENDING? Our God is a mighty fortress full of Love and peace and protection from the very world we throw ourselves at. Our Lover IS LOVE. Get that through your heads! When you think that after what you've done or what you've said or what’s been done to you, that no one could ever love you, Jesus is there! And His steadfast Love endures forever. 

Why do we go about aimlessly searching for a Love that is so freely given to us, and that we will never find in anyone but that one who created such a Love?? Church! WHY DO WE RUN AND SEARCH AFTER SOMETHING THAT CAN’T BE CONTAINED INSIDE HUMAN FLESH? Are we that foolish? To seek out something we know can’t be felt through human touch. We’re told time and time again that we can not find it here! But we shuffle around like mindless drones, lead by our human desires for physical everything to discover for ourselves that what our Creator tells us is true, only to be hurt in the process. How foolish are we, Church?? To know in our spirit that Jesus is the only being pure, selfless, unconditional love can be found in, yet every inch of our flesh makes our eyes turn from him and our feet roam about the earth in search of a physical, tarnished, selfish love.

How foolish can fools be that we would ignore our Lover who constantly pursues us? That we would chase after selfish Love? 
Run back to the Father, Church. Be consumed by His Love.

Mark 12:30 "And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind, and with all your strength." 

Incomprehensible Love

Last night, one of our amazing Youth Leaders, Rudy, took over for Coach and gave a sermon on God's Love and His command for us to love. The question "Why does God Love us?" came up, and a lot of us were stuck on it, or meditating on it, or just didn't have an answer. The same question has been on my mind all day.

Why does God Love us?

Think about this for a second. Why does our Creator, whom we spit on and curse at day in and day out, have an all-consuming, unconditional Love for the children that nail Him to a tree every second of every day? Could you love someone that did that to you? Who, given every chance, never lived up to what you hoped they would do? Who constantly spit in your face and cursed at you? I know we all WANT to say we would, but, in reality we all know we wouldn't be able to.

I think one of the reasons this kind of love is so incomprehensible is because of how selfish our love is. How conditional, and wavering and changing it is. We love most the people we're closest to or that show us the most love in return. Yet the Father Loves us each the same, and we can do nothing to win His Love (hence- unconditional). Oh, if we we loved even one person like that! How much greater would our Love be!

Matthew 5:43-48 says, "You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy. But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be sons (or daughters) of your Father who is in heaven. For he makes his sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust. For if you love those who love you, what reward do you have? Do not even the tax collectors do the same? And if you greet only your brothers, what more are you doing than others? Do not even the Gentiles do the same? You therefore must be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect."  The first time I read that, my mind was blown: "What, Father? I'm supposed to Love those who persecute me? I'm supposed to love the person that the World tells me to despise? WHAT???" 

Think of the person (or people) that you think you would be better off not knowing. Don't lie to yourself, we all have at least one person (and if you don't, praise Jesus).  Do you have them in your mind? Now, imagine loving that person every day with reckless abandon. No matter how much they annoyed you, or gossiped about you, or hurt you. What if you genuinely, unconditionally loved them? No matter what they did to you or against you, you loved them. (I know, you wish, right?) Now, get into your head that the Love of The Father is so much more than that.

WE ARE SO UNDESERVING OF THE LOVE HE SO WILLINGLY HAS FOR US! Do you understand that? I mean,do you really understand that? I don't. And I don't think you do either. I imagine if we actually understood that we would act a lot differently than we do towards our Loving Savior.  Who are we that He would be mindful of us? I can imagine, maybe, Him taking care of us like a master would take care of his servants. But a God who Loves us like a father loves his children?? How incredibly mind-blowing is our God?! That He would Love Fallen Humanity so much, He would send His son to die the most brutal death. That He Himself would take our place. That He would take MY place. A people so broken and filthy and undeserving to even be glanced at by Him! And He picks each one of us up EVERY DAY and cleans and fixes us, not because He has to, or because He just takes pity on us, but because He wants to, and HE LOVES US. How amazing is the Love of our God?!

Why does God Love us? That's just it, there's no reason for Him to. I don't think there's an answer. The Word says that God is Love. Maybe that's it. Or that we're made in His likeness. Or maybe He just WANTS to Love us and that's why He does. Or so that we can be deemed lovable ('cause let's face it, if God didn't Love us, 1, we wouldn't even be here, and 2, there's no way any of us would love anyone, because we'd all be too busy hating ourselves).

 All I know is: 1. I am so undeserving of the Love my Father has for me, and I will rest and walk in the Love He's prepared for me.
And 2. The Love of our God is so unimaginable, Beautiful Readers. I get to rest in the knowledge that NOTHING in this world can separate me from the Love of God. 
And I sincerely hope you can do these things too.

Playgrounds

I'm intending to limit this to 2 or 3 posts a week, or less. But, knowing me, I'll start updating every day and then it'll simmer down to like, once a month, and then not at all and then every day again. ;) But this was on my mind so, here we go. 

I read this quote by C.S Lewis that said something like "Getting over a painful experience is a lot like crossing the monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward." That broke mountains and flooded oceans in me.. All this time I've been trying to free myself from this, to dig nails into rock and muster enough strength to pull myself out of the chasms I let my brokenness bury me in. All this time viewing life as some long and winding, rocky path, thinking: "No, Christians aren't supposed to have life easy, they’re supposed to be persecuted, this is okay." All this time so obsessed with keeping bleeding feet on straight path, careful to not fall back into canyons that I forgot to appreciate the beauty of the life I was living. The life my Lover gave me. Life is not rocky paths riddled with slippery spots that spill you into dark and lonely chasms. 

Life is a playground. The Joy of slipping down electrified, plastic, winding slides; hair on the back of your knees and your forearms standing up on end. Happiness gleaming from loose and crooked teeth. Oh, to possess the heart of a child again! To slip from monkey bars, landing on knees, running in terror to an overprotective mother, blood pouring down your leg, only to skip back and force hands, tighter gripped back to metal bars. Life is a playground! Arms wrapped tightly around fireman pole, eyes squeezed shut so forcefully you see purple until tiny feet hit pebbled bottom. And the bigger kids push you out of a swing or off of a platform, breaking your arm, yet the Joy in your heart doesn't let you stop getting right back on that swing the very next day. Mothers watch closely for waiting accidents and intended accidents and little accidents. Children find their purpose there. Children go missing there. Children feel life there. Life is a playground. How beautiful is it to know that now? Bright, vibrant colors surround tiny children, sounds of laughter and elation overwhelm crying and fear. 

Life is so much more beautiful than the crushing darkness that I was so distracted by. I see every stranger, every friend, energy filled and Joy pouring out of them like oceans; and I am hanging here on these monkey bars, no longer a child. No longer possessing the optimistic idea of getting better and having fun with scraped knees or broken elbows. Instead, I hang here, nearly full grown, fingers white and skin on knuckles splitting from gripping metal so tightly, unprepared to release and reach for my next hold. Terrified of falling again. Terrified of having to start all the way over. But I can hang here no longer. I've gotta reach, worn out as I am, I can't be like this anymore. Not putting my trust in my Savior is where I went so incredibly wrong. I know now that if I fall, He will ALWAYS be there to catch me. And I praise God for shining The Light back on my dark and twisted playground.

There’s a reason I was given this, a reason my playground went through tornadoes and thunderstorms and was broken and wrecked for so long: There are little ones lined up behind me, having to trudge such similar paths, and I have to help show them the Joy and relief of grabbing the next bar. That once the fear of falling is over, the fun of swinging forward begins. I have to help get the hurt and afraid across so they can slide down fireman poles and fly on swing sets again. 

I have to reintroduce them to vibrant playgrounds.

Finding Light in the Darkness

First off, thanks for inquiring about the mystery that is my messed up self! Second, you'll have to bare with me these first few entries as I have no idea what to write about, what I really want to make of this blog, or if it'll be any good. I'm used to writing poetry, and this is my first attempt at writing like this. So, here we go!

How do you, a follower of Jesus, a child of The Promise, a beloved child of God, overcome darkness in a world so accepting of it? How do you conquer depression when society's made it into a fad? When it's completely fine to live in the darkness that Christ died to eradicate? How do you hold on to Truth, when lies are constantly spoken into you? How do you find The Light in the midst of an all consuming Darkness?

 Almost four years ago, my life was ripped apart (or, I let my life be ripped apart). I was sexually assaulted a little less than a month before my fourteenth birthday. It took two and a half years for me to start breaking down the walls I'd built around myself. Last year, at church camp, God so tenderly broke the rest of me that I was unsuccessfully trying to hold together. Incoherently, I revealed what I had been hiding for so long to my entire youth group. The amount of Love I was met with is the opposite of what I was expecting.

I guess it's not unheard of, as a victim of sexual assault, to escape into yourself and never really come back out again. You lose bits and pieces of yourself as your attempts at putting yourself back together, behind closed doors, fail. That's what happened to me. I locked the old Ashleigh up, took her out of the light, and gave myself a new face. Created a new Ashleigh. I was living in the darkness that devoured me more and more every day that I hid myself from the world. I was believing the lies that Satan had so expertly whispered into my ear. He convinced me that I was disgusting, undesirable, and impure. And with every lie that I believed, the darkness crept its' way in and sunk its' hooks into me even further. And through all of this, (though I didn't know it then) the Lord was screaming at me to just draw near to Him, to let Him handle it. And I wish I would've listened.

I'll be the first person to tell you, trying to overcome Darkness is the hardest thing you will ever have to do. Especially if you're trying to do it on your own. It got to a point where I gave up on trying, instead of continuing to run from it, I stopped dead in my tracks and let it devour me, or try to. And that is why I've dealt with over 6 attempted suicides and have countless white lines running over my skin. But I won't get into that, the telling of my story is for another time. It wasn't until I completely hit rock bottom, no longer able to try and control any part of what was going on, that I really started looking for a way out of the pit I had let myself be thrown in. It was January of this year that my depression completely took over, and I physically shut myself off from the world. I locked myself in my room for three weeks, shut off my phone, shut out everyone who tried to help, and watched every episode of Doctor Who on Netflix. All the while, unbeknownst to me, my Lover was preparing to pour light into every cracked and broken surface of myself.

During the past six months, my beautiful savior has been reintroducing me to the warmth and amazing joy of His love and Light. Every slander that the Father of Lies speaks over me, my Amazing Father overwhelmingly delivers pure Truth into my heart in many ways. I find myself overwhelmed and amazed by the amount of Love and Truth my God has surrounded me with, whether that be friends, or family or songs or books. He's given me so much more than I deserve and I am astounded by that.

Don't get me wrong, I still struggle with this ever creeping darkness. Every morning when I wake up I have to choose to either listen to the lies being screamed at me, or the Truth being poured into my heart. Sometimes even several times a day. You have to choose what you live in. Being chased by Darkness isn't a choice, but living in it is. Running from Darkness does you no good when you have nothing to run to. There's this quote, I don't know who it's by but it says something like: "We spend all our time running from lions when we could run to the lion slayer." You have to find The Light, and run to that. Run to the lion slayer.

I praise God for everything He's done to protect me, even when I was cursing Him for even creating the worthless shell of a person I thought I was. And I praise God for continuing to protect me, and for rending my stubborn heart so that I could finally find the path to healing, and start walking down the long, winding road. And reader, I pray that whatever you're dealing with, in whatever form your darkness takes, that in the midst of you battling it, you will find The Light of our Beautiful Creator, and cling to that much sooner in your walk than I have.