Let The Waters Rise

I have no idea where my heart is...I've been sitting at my laptop for an hour and a half trying to write a paper on defamation that's due tomorrow and I cant. My focus on anything is gone and all I can do is repeatedly blast my Hillsong Pandora station. As the year slowly creeps toward October and I go longer and longer without putting metal blade to weakened flesh, Satan's attacks just get worse and worse. I guess all I can do is ask for prayer. Pray as hard as you can that my rebellious and proud and stubborn heart won't turn away from the light again. That I can get over October 10th being some "special" date. I'm tired of feeling wrecked and broken. This song came on earlier, this is exactly where my heart is. (I apologize if it turns weird colors, I copied and pasted)

Don't know where to begin, it's like my world's cavin' in
And I try but I can't control my fear, where do I go from here?
Sometimes it's so hard to pray when You feel so far away
But I am willin' to go where You want me to and God I trust You

There's a ragin' sea right in front of me
Wants to pull me in, bring me to my knees
So let the waters rise if You want them to
I will follow You, I will follow You, I will follow You

I will swim in the deep 'cause You'll be next to me
You're in the eye of the storm and the calm of the sea
You're never out of reach
God, You know where I've been and You were there with me then
You were faithful before, You'll be faithful again, I'm holdin' Your hand

There's a ragin' sea right in front of me
Wants to pull me in, bring me to my knees
So let the waters rise if You want them to
I will follow You, I will follow You, I will follow You

God Your love is enough, You will pull me through, I'm holdin' onto You
God Your love is enough, I will follow You, I will follow You

There's a ragin' sea right in front of me
Wants to pull me in, bring me to my knees
So let the waters rise if You want them to
I will follow You, I will follow You, I will follow You 

I wrote this a few weeks ago and intended not to post it. But today I decided I should. This is where I'm at right now and this is what I need prayer for. No more hiding. 

Please don't misunderstand this, I am walking in The Light and I'm secure in my identity that no longer remains in this. I'm no longer a Survivor of Sexual Assault/Abuse. I am a Child of God (and of The Light) that survived sexual assault. And even though this year hasn't been as difficult for me as last year, it is still very very VERY hard. 

The case against my attacker was closed and filed last Friday. No trial, no conviction. Though I know that I did my part and I know that God is in control and that His will's been done in this, I don't really know how I feel about it. I pray that God showers me in His overwhelming peace again. 

Like this song says, the waters have risen all around me, but I trust in an overprotective and loving Father who will never fail me. So if it's in His plan for me to be in raging storms, so be it. His ways are higher than my ways and His thoughts higher than my thoughts. Let your perfect plan play out, Lover. 

Overcoming broken leaps and worldly frustrations

I love those little moments in life when your entire being is freaking out and hating the world and God shows up. One of said little moments happened just a little while ago. Ever since I got my beautiful ghetto car, I haven't listened to music quietly (meaning: driving down I-35 or 1626 or 967 I blast that stereo till my ears feel like bleeding), especially when I feel like skinning myself with a rusty screw driver because I'm so frustrated with everything around me.
 Driving home from an exhausting dance practice tired, hot, sweaty, covered in dirt, frustrated and feeling like crying, no one should doubt that I blasted my stereo so loud you could see the speakers moving. The first SMACC Varsity Panthers game that we're preforming at is this Friday, and before today, we had two practices left and a butt load of work to do.
 It seemed that every time we got anywhere, something went wrong; one step forward, three leaps back. First, we had to move practice to the dirt-covered football field behind Gregg Clarke Park in Kyle because the Wallace Football field- where we normally practice- was being occupied by their football team (and I still don't understand why we couldn't just kick them off, at least three of the girls on our team could kick some middle school boy butt, this may or may not include me). And I don't just mean dirt-covered, I'm talking at least three inches thick of just gross, muddy grayish dirt. We managed to practice with dirt flying in our eyes, no problem. Then, the glorious ball of gas and fire in outer space that we call the sun decides to make fun of us and laugh and stare, so yeah, IT WAS HOT. So then we decided to take a break in the shade by the concession stand to the softball fields. Then Miss Becky says, "Let's practice the kick dance!", which roughly translates to "Let's move in a way that feels like kicking through day-old jello!" And then everyone got headaches, so we moved under the pavilion to finish practice. And, of course, my entire body feels like mush, I'm pretty sure I looked like a scarecrow trying to practice a jazz dance, arms and legs flailing with no real direction (darn my wimpy girl muscles). Then I find out I was picked to lead stand routines for the first game, which is really awesome, but that also means I have to remember all of them. Needless to say, this was more than likely the worst Angelettes practice ever and I was in no way a "happy camper" getting into my car at 5:54 this evening.
 So, feeling like screaming and kicking and just throwing a down right, good old fashioned, 3 year old tantrum, I made my way back home. Passing Yarrington and complaining to God about why He has me where I am and what's wrong with the decisions He's made (yeah, 'cause that's the smart thing to do), Casting Crown's" Praise You In This Storm" comes on through my stereo. Okay God, I see what you're trying to do here, I'l play along. After belting the song at the top of my lungs, so loud my vocal chords felt like ripping apart and my soul feeling a little better, I pull into Saddlebrooke...and start complaining again. And then "Overcomer" by Mandisa (whom I do not prefer to listen to) comes on.

                                                    "You're an overcomer
                                             Stay in the fight till the final round
                                                    You're not goin' under
                                           'Cause God is holding you right now
                                            You might be down for a moment
                                                  Feelin' like it's hopeless
                                              That's when He reminds you
                                              That you're an overcomer!"

And God amazes me, yet again, of how all-knowing and all-loving He really is. He knows me! I mean, He actually KNOWS ME. And He always knows what my heart needs to hear, be comforted by, and reminded of. He constantly says "Ashleigh, I'm RIGHT HERE. Quit trying to do things on your own power, quit thinking that you actually have control over anything in your life, realize the depths and heights and widths and lengths of my love for you and REST IN THAT."
 So, if you're ever (and I'm sure you're like this some times) insanely frustrated or beaten down by the world, remember that you, "can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" (Philippians 4:9) and "In all things, we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us." (Romans 8:37)

Our beautiful Father, thank you for the overwhelming comforts and peace you speak into us day in and day out that we in no way deserve, yet you so unconditionally give. I pray that we would learn to walk in your unfailing love, casting away the anxieties of the world and the stubborn desires of our flesh. Father, humble us before you, open our hearts to trust you and our eyes to see that everything you are is good and love and joy and peace and hope. Search me and know my heart, Lover. Test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and Lord Jesus, lead me in the way of the everlasting.