Let The Waters Rise

I have no idea where my heart is...I've been sitting at my laptop for an hour and a half trying to write a paper on defamation that's due tomorrow and I cant. My focus on anything is gone and all I can do is repeatedly blast my Hillsong Pandora station. As the year slowly creeps toward October and I go longer and longer without putting metal blade to weakened flesh, Satan's attacks just get worse and worse. I guess all I can do is ask for prayer. Pray as hard as you can that my rebellious and proud and stubborn heart won't turn away from the light again. That I can get over October 10th being some "special" date. I'm tired of feeling wrecked and broken. This song came on earlier, this is exactly where my heart is. (I apologize if it turns weird colors, I copied and pasted)

Don't know where to begin, it's like my world's cavin' in
And I try but I can't control my fear, where do I go from here?
Sometimes it's so hard to pray when You feel so far away
But I am willin' to go where You want me to and God I trust You

There's a ragin' sea right in front of me
Wants to pull me in, bring me to my knees
So let the waters rise if You want them to
I will follow You, I will follow You, I will follow You

I will swim in the deep 'cause You'll be next to me
You're in the eye of the storm and the calm of the sea
You're never out of reach
God, You know where I've been and You were there with me then
You were faithful before, You'll be faithful again, I'm holdin' Your hand

There's a ragin' sea right in front of me
Wants to pull me in, bring me to my knees
So let the waters rise if You want them to
I will follow You, I will follow You, I will follow You

God Your love is enough, You will pull me through, I'm holdin' onto You
God Your love is enough, I will follow You, I will follow You

There's a ragin' sea right in front of me
Wants to pull me in, bring me to my knees
So let the waters rise if You want them to
I will follow You, I will follow You, I will follow You 

I wrote this a few weeks ago and intended not to post it. But today I decided I should. This is where I'm at right now and this is what I need prayer for. No more hiding. 

Please don't misunderstand this, I am walking in The Light and I'm secure in my identity that no longer remains in this. I'm no longer a Survivor of Sexual Assault/Abuse. I am a Child of God (and of The Light) that survived sexual assault. And even though this year hasn't been as difficult for me as last year, it is still very very VERY hard. 

The case against my attacker was closed and filed last Friday. No trial, no conviction. Though I know that I did my part and I know that God is in control and that His will's been done in this, I don't really know how I feel about it. I pray that God showers me in His overwhelming peace again. 

Like this song says, the waters have risen all around me, but I trust in an overprotective and loving Father who will never fail me. So if it's in His plan for me to be in raging storms, so be it. His ways are higher than my ways and His thoughts higher than my thoughts. Let your perfect plan play out, Lover.